What Doesn't Kill You, Nearly Kills You

(Cactus flower, AZ Desert Museum, Christmas 2012)

On Thursday mornings when I have to be at work earlier, I listen to the Family Life Today radio broadcast at 9am. Today's broadcast was of interest to me because the guest speaker spoke about suffering.

In particular, this guest, Tullian Tchividjian, was describing how Christians often approach suffering thinking, "This is meant to make me stronger!" The idea that suffering results in more strength is not new and is not even exclusive to Christians. I'm thinking of a pop song by Kelly Clarkson called, "Stronger" in which she repeats the line "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Kelly Clarkson is one of my favorite musicians, but, I don't really like the song "Stronger" much. Last year was fraught with illness, stress, and sorrow, and every time I heard "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I would inwardly scoff. So... my friend who was in a car accident didn't die, but was left paralyzed, so now she's "stronger"? My friend whose best friend died of cancer is now rocked with grief, but she herself didn't die so she should be stronger now? Another woman I know was incredibly hurt for years and years emotionally and is now eaten up with bitterness and hatred. She doesn't seem stronger. I haven't died from my suffering, but I surely don't feel stronger for it. I feel weak, worn, and weary.

Intrinsically in that phrase is the assumption that the experience of suffering will make you grow emotionally, form you into a deeper person able to handle more of what life throws at you, or able to make better decisions in the future. I understand on a basic level that this can be true, and suffering can grow and change you for the better. I also understand that the way we grow often hinges on our attitude and response to suffering. But facing suffering myself and seeing suffering around me made me question whether or not we really benefit from expecting personal strength from pain.

There were a multitude of moments over the past seven years of hardship that forced me to face my weakness. I am human, frail, far from omniscient, with little control over much that happens in the world. This weariness would make me realize how much I didn't know or couldn't handle. If anything, in my weakness, I became more aware of my need for God's grace. Often, I came to the Lord, questioning him, crying to him of how weary I was, begging him to change my circumstances, asking for his strength, sometimes doubting that He was even there to hear me or if he was, that he even cared.

At times I felt rather unspiritual for even acknowledging my weak moments. I'd think of verses like Romans 5 and berate myself because I wasn't enduring my suffering well enough, having enough hope, being patient enough, having good enough character through my ordeal. I'd think of Kelly Clarkson's song or Christian platitudes about suffering making us stronger in the end and wonder why I didn't feel very strong, more like a steamrolled noodle left to dry in the sun on hot asphalt.

That is why I found this radio broadcast refreshing and ringing with truth. Mr. Tchividjian uses scripture, and even the Romans 5 passage I mentioned above, to remind the listeners that the Christian life goal is not to become so strong that we suddenly don't need Jesus to walk the path laid out before us anymore, but we ARE SUPPOSED TO KNOW OUR WEAKNESS and then lean on Christ even more! The Romans 5 verses about suffering are sandwiched between passages reminding readers of their weakness and Christ's grace and love in rescuing us even in our weakness. It is HIS strength and HIS grace that is supposed to increase in our lives as we learn to concede our weakness! The distinction is a subtle change in perspective and yet enormous in its repercussions.

After Paul begs God three times to remove whatever it was causing his suffering, in 2 Corinthians 12:9, we see that God did not choose to "make him stronger," but to make Paul recognize his weakness and know God's grace:

" But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

Listening to this radio program today made me look back on my years of suffering with a bit more peace. I have grown and changed, my spirit feels deeper and less willing to "kick against the goads" per say, but I can't say I feel STRONGER! I feel that I recognize even more, how weak I am and how weary it is to face suffering day to day. At the same time, I have more hope than I used to have, because God's grace towards me has been made more evident through all of the pain. My hope is in Him alone. Fighting so hard to "look strong" through suffering is adding weariness on weariness. The Lord's grace is more than sufficient to carry me.