The Orchid Journal

Scene I. I know it's not the "pinnacle" of existence, that I am complete without a man that marriage will come with troubles as much as life always comes with pain I know my man will have flaws that he'll annoy me at times that marrying him will take patience as much as I have sins and need grace But I want to know I want to know this love and know a man to journey with him and know his pain I want to know his mind discover the pathways of his heart and prove to the world that choosing to love him is worth it I suspect despite the cynics that this love is rich and freeing that the role of Beloved comes with joy as much as a bird is happy in flying I suspect despite the failures that the previous generation chose that there is hope marriage works as much as God's promises are sure Scene II. Scene III. I wonder how he laughs and I hope he finds me funny because I love to make him laugh as much as I love to laugh. I wonder if h...

This is my favorite profound excerpt from "The Chosen" by Chaim Potok. (A ceiling in the St. Louis Art Museum, Laelia Watt-2013) The main protagonist's father is speaking to him about his death: "Human beings to not live forever, Reuven. We live less than the time it takes to blink an eye, if we measure our lives against eternity. So it may be asked what value is there to a human life. There is so much pain in the world. What does it mean to have to suffer so much if our lives are nothing more than the blink of an eye?" He paused again, his eyes misty now, then went on. "I learned a long time ago, Reuven, that a blink of an eye in itself is nothing. But the eye that blinks, that is something. A span of life is nothing. But the man who lives that span, he is something. He can fill that tiny span with meaning so its quantity may be insignificant. Do you understand what I am saying? A man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not autom...

It was one of the few hot and muggy summer days in Missouri up to that point, but we had planned to hike on July 4th weekend, and hike we did! We did not hike at Lone Elk Park , however. My group of friends and I decided to drive through Lone Elk Park to admire the wildlife and then later picnic and hike at Emmenneger Nature Park , on our way home. While we listened to a friend's newly released CD in the comfort of the air conditioned Honda, we drove along the winding roads admiring trees and keeping an eye out for wildlife. It turned out we didn't need to look too hard. As we crested a small hill, there not fifty feet down from us in the middle of the road, was a herd of Elk and one lone deer. One of these things is not like the others. Yeah, it's you, deer. Too tickled to stay in the car, we stopped the car at a safe distance and piled out to watch the herd. Elk babies make adorable noises, I learned, and are spotted like baby deer, probably for camouflage as wel...

(Shamrock the goat behind bars, University of Arizona farm, 2009) If only it were that easy- they give platitudes and advice that do nothing solve nothing offer no comfort. Stop jabbering SILENCE, please, in the peanut gallery Crazy people with foolish words dripping from their lips might as well be drooling fools consoling one another in a sanitarium pleased with their wit in their delirium Stand behind bars year after year with your soul wilting ears dead with Silence in answer to your every cry Pace a rut in the floorboards wracking your weary brain for ways out and then tell me how easy it is to be free describe what I'm doing wrong deride me for my bad attitude Unless you can open the doors for me Shut up or leave me be When the Judge himself has you trapped there is no escape

(online photo) Continuing from yesterday, here are a few more ideas of how a couple without children can uniquely spend their time and resources. This is not to prove a childless couple's worth based on what they can DO, or to grapple for any excuse to legitimize their life, but to stir ideas in case you need some. 11. Adopt a family- find a single parent family or poor family in your area to bring food and gifts to on the holidays or during hard times. Example: One couple without children that I know bought Christmas lights and a tree for a single mother with two autistic children and took the time to decorate the family's house. 12. Move to another country to teach English together 13. Collect donations or hold a fundraising party to support your favorite charity 14. If you have them, invite your nieces/nephews over for a weekend of super fun aunt-uncle time (and so their parents can go on a date!) 15. Join a Clean Stream crew to clean up local waterways 16....

( stock photo from online of Gustav Klimt's painting "The Kiss" ) Lately I am struggling with finding my writing voice. I lost it completely like a seemingly irrevocable case of laryngitis a month or two ago. A part of me still refuses to give up hope that my desire to write is gone forever and that I will again feel a sense of purpose with writing. (If you know the Lord, please pray for me.) In the meantime, I have been contemplating the alternative life of purpose that a Childfree couple can have. Often we assume that a couples' purpose is solely in having and rearing children, but the Bible says that a married couple's purpose is to represent the love that Christ has for His Church. Whether you have children or not, your marriage will hopefully demonstrate to the world this godly love and as all Christians are called to do regardless of marital status or age, we are to love to the point of making disciples of all nations. Every couple I have ever me...

(from the front yard of our former house in Tucson, AZ. 2009 double rainbow after a storm) There is nothing like a storm that pounds its fists into the dry cracked ground while the raindrops dash onto my streak soaked face whether by rain or tears no one can know but me ~Laelia

This man played his steel guitar with a fiddler and slide guitarist who sang. His steel guitar reflected back the colors in his friends' shirts as his lackadaisical gaze belied his apparent keeping with the music. The trio played in Tucson's Reid Park during a pet fair in 2009. I was fascinated by their focus while playing and each of the old men were captivating in their own odd way- grey hair, beards, eclectic clothes, weathered wrinkled hands that seemed molded to the shape required to play their instruments. The bit of condiment, mustard or ketchup, on the slide guitarist's hand reminds me of the human quality of music. Often we speak of the divine or sinister nature of music that causes our souls to rise and fall in ecstasy and despair, but this day, watching the three men enjoy playing together a jaunty bluegrass ditty, I was reminded that often music is earthy and grounding. Neither too lofty or too low, only sensible and fun, and a tad messy. I won...

I am not sure I want to write anymore. As the few but mighty who read this blog may have noticed, I have been a bit incognito lately. Basically my writing feels pointless and dull, and I have no words in me at the moment. Even writing these few sentences feels like I'm dragging my brain across a rocky beach. It is possible that I will suddenly remember my voice and continue writing gobs like I did before Holy Week, but in the meantime, I'll try and check in every day to at least post a photo and write a few painful sentences. Maybe a change in blog focus is in order, or maybe I should stop writing on it altogether and put my energy into sending my book manuscripts to agents, or maybe I'm just in a writing funk and will snap out of it by next week. Let's hope so, because right now, it feels like I never want to write again. In the meantime, "enjoy" this rather dreadfully dramatized warning sign I found while walking downtown with a friend one day. We ha...

When no one is looking, the flamboyant flamingo shows his true nature. (Downtown St. Louis City Garden 2012)

During the Maundy Thursday service this evening, I sang in the choir for the first time in almost a year. With my transportation issues, moving, getting shingles, etc etc, it has been too difficult to keep up attending all of the choir practices and church services. I miss singing. Tonight, I decided to join the choir on a whim and one of the beautiful songs we sang was Ave Verum Corpus by Mozart. Music like this is one of the millions of reasons I love being a Christian. Imagine singing pieces like this as a congregation, in a choir, alone in my house- along with Celtic, gospel, folk, any other culture infused music EVERY WEEK and which describes grace, forgiveness, divine love and power. That to me, is like having God breathe new life and strength into the inner fibers of my weary bones and broken spirit. This video has Spanish subtitles, but the choir is singing in Latin. The Latin words: Ave verum corpus, natum de Maria Virgine, vere passum, immolatum in cruce ...

(2009- A piece of wood that reminded me of an animal skull on Mt. Lemmon. Tucson, AZ) A fitting poem for Holy Week, by John Donne : A Hymn To God The Father Wilt thou forgive that sin where I begun, Which was my sin, though it were done before? Wilt thou forgive that sin, through which I run, And do run still, though still I do deplore? When thou hast done, thou hast not done, For I have more. Wilt thou forgive that sin which I have won Others to sin, and made my sin their door? Wilt thou forgive that sin which I did shun A year or two, but wallow'd in, a score? When thou hast done, thou hast not done, For I have more. I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun My last thread, I shall perish on the shore; But swear by thyself, that at my death thy Son Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore; And, having done that, thou hast done; I fear no more.

Singing of grace, I should say. Here is one of my favorite sounds of my childhood- the voices of Ladysmith Black Mambazo- coupled with Amazing Grace and Nearer My God to Thee. This video is fitting for the Easter season in which we celebrate God's grace demonstrated to us through the death and resurrection of Christ which draws us near to God.

I know, I know. It's supposed to be Maundy Thursday, but I thought I'd mess with your mind a bit since I'm changing my blog focus this week. Veering from my typical Mitigate Monday, Tour of Tuesday, Weighty Wednesday, Theology Thursday, and Frolic Friday posts, I am going to post a photo, a scripture or poem and maybe a brief personal thought about Easter week. Because this is Holy Week for me as a Christian, I will be super busy practicing my cello with the church orchestra in preparation for Sunday, making weekend plans with beloved friends, attending the Maundy Thursday service, the Saturday Easter Vigil service, and the Easter Sunday service. Interspersed between now and then, I will also be helping set up the newly renovated church nursery, going to work, my counseling appointments, Pilates classes, a breakfast on Saturday morning at a local cafe, a breakfast at church on Sunday morning, another orchestra practice, a movie viewing at a theatre with friends, a lu...

(The back cover of one of my devotional books, 2011) People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring. (James 3:7-12) I spent the first 27.5 years of my life trying to avoid using curse words, especially ones used to describe characteristics of certain annoying people in my life. Last year, I picked up a few curse words, only used in extreme circumstances and only to describe how horrid a situation felt. Some words more aptly suit the pain and travesty of life than other, mo...

(None of these are Joseph- Birds from the St. Louis Zoo 2010-2012) The clear water, browned like hot water colored by seeping tea leaves, was darkest underneath the porch of the mill house which stood in the river on cement pillars. I leaned over the railing and watched the white froth from the roaring waterfall at my left swirl around under my suspended feet. The air smelled fresh with spray from the cool water and the smell of loamy green earth being warmed in the sun. I had never stood on Dr. Luther's porch before, despite the many years I grew up visiting Head of the River for family reunions. I liked seeing the river from a new angle. My whole life I had looked at the river from the landing near the waterfall and from the bank where my grandparents' house stood. I had seen the river from the opposite side where I could stand on the island Dr. Luther had built and look across at our family house. I had watched the water from further down stream where the river flo...

The St. James General Store in Saint James, NY is a happy place. Not only does it hold happy memories for me as a child, teenager, and adult visitor to the store, but the physical St. James General Store looks and smells of happiness. How can a building look and smell of happiness? First of all, it has been maintained in a historic 1880-1910 time period inside with the workers dressed in period clothing behind old polished counters piled high with fascinating crafts, books, doodads, and my favorite, candy in glass jars. When I first visited the store as a child, it was painted white, but when visiting it as a teenager, the store had been painted a cheery fall yellow as it is now. Happiness to me, smells of cinnamon, chocolate, sweet gummy candy, polished old wood, sachets of lavender, handmade soaps, and new books. Happiness sounds like the bell on the front door ringing as you walk in, the wood floors creaking slightly as you walk across the store and more so as you climb the...

Whether you reside in the Southwest, the Midwest, the East or West, North or South, Spring is a hope-filled season for everyone. Plants of any region, spiny cacti or Magnolia trees, burst into bloom. Wedding season starts, children venture into the neighborhood streets to play, runners in the park emerge like a swarm of bees, and the plant sections of Home Depots everywhere feature seed packets galore for Spring planting. Yesterday, I finally glimpsed the beginnings of Daffodil plants poking out of the ground along the highway medians. To celebrate the not-too-far-off Spring season, here are some happy photos to brighten your Monday. (all photos taken during Springtime either in Arizona or Missouri, 2009-2012)

After years of prayer and seeking God about the possibility that I may never want to be a mother, I started researching women, motherhood, and children in the Bible and asking advice from my pastors. This is a vast overview of what I have learned: While Adam and Eve and humanity as a whole were given the directive to be fruitful and multiply, nowhere in scripture does it say that having children is a requirement for every individual couple. This is what the Bible does make clear about our attitude towards children in general: ~Children are to be considered a blessing and a good upon the earth, unlike some of the pagan cultures around Israel at the time who slaughtered their children for sacrifice to the gods or left them to die in the wilderness if unwanted. ~As Christ demonstrated with the way he blessed the children, they are to be received into the kingdom and brought to Christ, not sidelined or dismissed as unimportant. ~They are to be protected, guided/disciplined, and...

(Chinese Lantern Festival Missouri Botanical Garden, 2012- story depicted in the photo is below) On the 7th day of the 7th lunar month, China celebrates the Qixi festival which surrounds a folk story of two lovers separated in the sky by the Milky Way. A poor cowherd and a beautiful girl from Heaven (some stories call her a fairy, some a daughter of the Emperor or Goddess) fall in love and marry. They live happily together for years and have two children, but one day the Goddess of heaven discovers their love and is furious. The lovers are forced to separate in the sky on two stars, the wife on one side, the husband and children on the other, with the Milky Way in between them. Every year at the same time the magpies fly to make a bridge between the two lovers so that they can meet at last. Considering the plight of this story's "star crossed lovers" (literally in this case), I can't decide if it is more frustrating to find your love and then be so drasticall...

(View of the Catalina Mountains looking north from standing on "A" Mountain on the west side of Tucson. 2009) Or rather, I should title this, tour of the Santa Catalina Mountains, with mention of the highest point, Mt. Lemmon, because when living in Arizona, the locals say they "took a trip up Mt. Lemmon" or are "going up Mount Lemmon today", meaning the entire mountain. Tucson is surrounded on most sides, not only by Saguaro National Park, but also by four mountain ranges. The Rincon Mountains are to the East, Tucson Mountains on the West, Santa Rita Mountains are further to the South, and towering over Tucson to the North are the "Catalina Mountains" as they are always called. Even after five years of living in Tucson, I actually didn't even know the name of the mountain range was preceded by the word "Santa" until just now. The mountains in Tucson are a daily sigh for sore eyes. Because the desert land in between is fla...