The Orchid Journal

The strangest thing about choosing to live in St. Louis and making decisions that will plant me in this place as my "home," is that, for the first time in my life I have found myself dreaming of the future. For the first time that I can remember since I was a child at least, I have started seeing my life in a more whole kind of way and imagining how I would like it to look. When I was little, I knew two things that I wanted to do with my life: get married and be an author. I knew these things without really having to think about it much, and even after vascilating/questioning/asking God in my 20s whether these things are dreams/goals from Him or not, they are the two things that have remained in the affirmative. I am still not sure if I want/can have children, still not sure if I will ever get a full time job or just use this time to work on my writing, still not sure if any man will ever get around to noticing me, if/when I will be able to afford my own place or have a ...

We have mice in our house. They appeared as soon as the weather turned cold. My uncle accused me of bringing them with me from Arizona. I bought some simple snap shut mousetraps. The "gluetrap" ones seem unusually cruel to me, since the mouse gets stucks and then...? Slowly starves to death? Waits until you smash it with a shovel? Poison was also recommended, but I once watched a rat die from rat poison while on vacation in Patagonia, AZ. It was the most disturbing and heartrending thing I had ever seen. The rat tried to walk, but would be violently jerked in huge waves of spasms that would sometimes fling it into the porch wall or over a bucket. Its face looked confused and contorted when the spasms hit. Finally, as it escaped, convulsing, towards an opening in the fence, the rat was seized again and his body was flung involuntarily through the opening. It would have been funny, had I not seen the rat poison box sitting near the door and realized the animal was bein...

Every New Year, since I was a young teenager, I would write a journal/diary entry summarizing the previous year in regards to what I learned from God or what happened in my life. Then I would write a separate entry looking forward to the New year, detailing what I hoped- to learn from the Lord, to work on, to do. To be sure, I am still writing these things in my journal, but last year and this year, I have been merging these entries onto this blog. 2010's summary is on the blog only, because I felt it needed to be written openly. As for 2011, I have no idea what to expect. I am almost afraid to hope for anything in particular. Why am I bothering to write this entry at all? The things I hope for are spiritual/growth, personal/relational and financial/stewardship related, but I don't even have the strength to detail them here. My heart hurts too much to even voice my longings. What if 2011 turns out as shocking as last year? It was all for the good in the end, but now I qu...

Strange that I finally come to terms with 2010 in the last few hours of the year. At the New Year's Eve service, our Associate Pastor, Greg, asked people to share what they learned in 2010. I desperately wanted to verbalize what God had done in 2010, but I didn't know how to sum it up until it was too late to share. My conclusion was this, though; "In 2010, I saw how God keeps his promises- that when he says, 'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.' that He is not lying and when His word says, 'Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.' I can trust God to be faithful, and that He truly loves me, because I have seen these promises kept and demonstrated in my life this...