The Orchid Journal

(Cactus flower, AZ Desert Museum, Christmas 2012) On Thursday mornings when I have to be at work earlier, I listen to the Family Life Today radio broadcast at 9am. Today's broadcast was of interest to me because the guest speaker spoke about suffering. In particular, this guest, Tullian Tchividjian, was describing how Christians often approach suffering thinking, "This is meant to make me stronger!" The idea that suffering results in more strength is not new and is not even exclusive to Christians. I'm thinking of a pop song by Kelly Clarkson called, "Stronger" in which she repeats the line "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Kelly Clarkson is one of my favorite musicians, but, I don't really like the song "Stronger" much. Last year was fraught with illness, stress, and sorrow, and every time I heard "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I would inwardly scoff. So... my friend who was in...

(Table in my Barrio Anita backyard, AZ 2009) What matters to you? Throughout my years of being poor, this question has been the defining point between chaos and calm. Money is a necessary part of living, and while I don't rely on it for my deliverance or ultimate comfort, and I hesitate to say that I love money, I don't hate it either. I love having the money to buy food and to pay my bills on time. I hate being in debt. I love having the money on hand for car repairs, sudden health emergencies, or to give to someone who needs it more than I do. I hate making so little money in a job that means little to me. Often, not having enough money to buy the things in life that make it plug along safely, such as food, shelter, transportation, and health care, causes an immense amount of stress and fear and I feel like I adore money and wish I could have gobs of it at my disposal. Other times, when I'm enjoying friends, sitting in a play or concert, or doing artwork, I ...

Enjoy this photo tour of Sedona, Arizona. I took the pictures Thanksgiving 2009 when my family and I visited Sedona on a trip from Tucson and then in July 2010 when my parents lived in Sedona. (Notice my brother's head sticking out of the water. haha) My dad found a crayfish! My brother and I walked back to the car first which required us to go up in elevation from the valley where the swimming stream was located. When I turned around, I was surprised at how massive the view was (The walk was not that arduous!) and I saw my dad, so tiny in the landscape, talking on his cell phone further back on the path. Look for a man in a gray shirt, lower left. Sunset and view over my parents' neighborhood.

Jelly Belly jellybeans have a chocolate pudding flavor. Glorious, you say? You LOVE chocolate, you say? Well, good for you. I was not too happy upon discovering that Jelly Belly bags of 30 assorted flavors contains a chocolate flavored jellybean. Maybe I should have thought to check the label first, but really, who would expect a chocolate jellybean? Jellybeans are one of my least favorite candies, but I like many of the flavors of Jelly Belly brand. Still, I rarely buy them, rarely as in, once every other year. The only reason I wanted Jelly Belly jellybeans this time was because I had watched a documentary about the inventor of the candy, David Klein. I couldn't stop thinking about the candy and when I needed to get cash for ice skating, I went to the grocery store and bought a small bag of Jelly Bellys so that I could get cash. Kill two birds with one jellybean, you know? I thought it was a root beer jellybean. The root beer, coffee, and chocolate jellybeans loo...

(Forest Park, Art Hill Sledding 2010- I haven't photographed this year's snow yet, so this photo will do.) Sadly, those who live in places like Florida or Southern California may have a hard time frolicking in snow, but Tucson, AZ had a sudden "blizzard" this week, so miracles can happen! Except for the years I lived in South Carolina between the ages of 6-10 and then in Tucson from 21-26, I have lived most of my life in places with snow seasons. While there are aspects of each season that are unpleasant, winter is rarely listed as anyone's "favorite season". If asked, I would say my favorite seasons are Spring and Fall because of the light contrasts, arrays of flowers and leaves, and more mild temperatures. While I love the green of the summer with all of its sun-filled, fun-filled days of festivals and outdoor concerts in parks, I like winter too, for its quietness and rest, the potential for snow, and even the fresh, deep chilled air that allow...

I had every intention of writing a post for today's Theology Thursday last night before going to bed, but I was too tired from hanging out with friends all evening eating pizza, laughing, and talking about men. This morning, there was a massive snow storm which resulted in work sending us home early. I had every intention of writing this post when I got home, but I took a walk in the snow to our neighborhood grocery co-op, made lunch at home, called the car insurance company, did my taxes, and then watched the documentary "Candyman" about David Klein, the man who invented Jelly Belly candies. I had every intention of writing the post after the movie, but then I researched more about David Klein, read a touching article about a man named Vladimir who had lived through the Sarajevo war and now lives in the US, and then researched how to make my own homemade gummy bears. While I felt a bit guilty sending this out in the netherworld so haphazardly and when the day is...

(Water lily, pond in front of The Jewel Box , Forest Park-St Louis-Sept 2010) "To me the meanest flower that blows can give thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears." William Wordsworth (quote etched into stone of Jewel Box entrance) The hardest part of being human is learning to be human. The world is a scary place, with its millions of death inducing travesties that could befall any one of us at any moment, like choking on a pea, developing cancer, or having an aneurysm before we even have a chance to die of old age. If we're lucky enough to be born to halfway decent parents, we may have a chance to grow up expecting that people have the capacity for trustworthiness and our environment has the potential for safety. The world is a beautiful place, that inspires deep thought and delight to spur us on to greatness. Nevertheless, the world and its people are broken enough that before most of us hit puberty, we've already layered on thickly innumerable...

Reid Park is the major city park in Tucson, AZ. When I lived in Tucson, I visited Reid Park for a walk through the flower gardens, to feed the ducks in the ponds, to hear the Tucson Symphony Orchestra play concerts under the stars during the summer, or to play my cello in outdoor concerts with the Civic Orchestra of Tucson myself. The Reid Park Zoo is located here, as well as major baseball fields where the Colorado Rockies would do their Spring Training games. They no longer practice there, but even as the least sports-interested person in the world, I enjoyed watching the professionals play in a more intimate stadium. My friends and I used to walk the track/path surrounding the park for exercise and long chats. We would play on the swings at night or watch the tennis players whack their rackets through the air. My Bible Study friends orchestrated epic ultimate Frisbee games on the large lawns, and innumerable brides or teenagers celebrating their quincineras posed for picture...

After watching the last, horrid, episode of Downton Abbey last night, it seems that the world of Downton is not far from being Upside Down. With chaos and tragedy.

This evening, my only suggestion is to look at these funny animal photos.

(A friend at her wedding, 2009) Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12 Cynicism is easier than acknowledging the pain of a deferred hope. Playing off our desire as a "nothing" or shaming ourselves into thinking "It's stupid to want such a thing. I shouldn't want anything, I should be content, I shouldn't desire for anything else, I need to trust God, so I must be happy; nothing's perfect so I shouldn't expect better...." sounds spiritual, but isn't. It is bitterness, shame, apathy, hopelessness, and unbelief disguised as good spirituality. Contentment means "a state of happiness and satisfaction". Christians seem to often brush over their desires and grief with the insistence that we must be content instead of grieving and longing. We are not "trusting God" enough if we feel pain or want anything beyond what we have in front of us. While we receive content...

(Comic by Chris Grady, source: www.lunarbaboon.com/comics/snowman.html ) Marcelle took one look at me and practically squealed with delight. "You're here!" she said, "I knew you'd join. I told them, 'She liked this place when I gave her the tour. She'll join!" The delightful Black woman, gregarious, in her mid-forties and a bit shorter than me, came circling around from behind the YMCA front desk and greeted me with a boisterous hug. We were both laughing and smiling, she out of a seemingly genuine happiness upon seeing that I had come to exercise that morning, and I was laughing out of surprise! Marcelle had given me the tour of the downtown St. Louis YMCA a few weeks ago when I was considering membership. We hit it off well and I felt comfortable enough perusing the facilities that I decided it was going to be my new gym. For nearly two weeks, I put off exercising at the YMCA after I became a member. One of the ways my introversion manif...

Some Mondays, the only thing to do is to remind yourself that God says He orders the universe in his power and according to His own way, and pray that the Lord will hear the cry of your heart. Music may help. Two songs by Fernando Ortega:

This is my dad donning night vision goggles that my little brother had just received for Christmas 2008. My dad has a gift for play. As a kid, I remember him reading to my sister and I in voices fitting to the book characters, taking us to play mini-golf, swimming with us, teaching me canoeing techniques, and making me laugh, even turning the sound of words into an inside joke, such as lingering on the "ee" sound in between every time it came up in our conversations. This past Christmas, he was to be found playing cowboys and robbers with his grandsons on an child-centered Old West playground. My younger brother, brother-in-laws, and my dad played on the monkey bars and rode the see-saw together, and upon seeing these four men playing, ages 17, 26, 34, and 56, a woman stopped to ask laughing, "Did you come here to play or come here with your own kids?" My question is, Why would those two things be mutually exclusive? At that same park, my dad rode a small s...

(Not my new car. Mine is old, but newer than this one and red. Car show, Tucson 2009) Apparently God has been trying to remind me in the past two years, that he is capable of working outside the bounds of my understanding. Before & after moving to St. Louis, I parted with my job, health, belongings, house, cello, then car. At each turn, I was crushed & thinking, "God has to give me a well paying job with benefits so I can afford my medical bills, save up to get my stuff out of storage, then afford my own place, then a car, then someday a new cello." Instead, the first thing he did was "give" me a cello via my pastor's son! Then he found me free clinic services via a friend, got my belongings sent to me via generous relatives, provided a safe place to live for 2 years in my uncle's house with a dear cousin, then opened up a lovely place of my own near downtown and my sister helped me with the deposit. On Monday, I received a call from a church ...

(Spring Arrives- painting by me, Laelia Watt-2012) Feminism: The advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men This is not a subject I can cover in one blog post, not only because the word "feminism" includes layer upon layer of historical movements and current issues, and for me, religious influences, but also because I am only beginning my journey to understanding feminism. In the past when I heard about "feminism" I would think of Votes for Women, freedom to be educated, and equal pay and equal opportunity in the scope of work arenas for men and women. Those were always things I was thankful to have as a woman in America, and if feminists of the past and present were responsible for making those possible for me, then I was thankful for feminists too. At times, I would hear of feminism-related actions that were too far outside of my comfort zone such as the women who appeared spitting angry at all men ...

As I mentioned in last week's "Weighty Wednesday" post , the Central Library in downtown St. Louis is the original Andrew Carnegie sponsored library. Two weekends ago, I explored the newly renovated 100 year old building with two friends and it was an inspiring experience. We exclaimed over the stunning ceilings, the massive windows, marble staircases, and columns. The more modern areas in the back and "basement" of the building were bright, airy, and colorful. As a kid at heart, I thought the young adult and children's books areas were excellently designed and, along with cafe and computer areas, there was a Creative Experience room exploring new technology and a huge room with CDs, audio books, and DVDs. Probably my favorite aspect of the building, besides everything, is the lighting throughout the space. Along with the large windows and the exquisite chandeliers throughout, the renovations include lighted bookshelves, special lighting in the ceiling...

(Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis) SUCH an awesome comic, probably my favorite, and makes me laugh or at least smirk every time I read it. Here's one strip, with access to his others, to alleviate the Monday blues: http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2013/02/03

Because I was moving into my new place in December and then I visited family out of state for Christmas, I was too busy to do most of the fun holiday-related activities I like to do the weeks before Christmas. I didn't decorate my house or put up a tree. I didn't bake cookies or make presents. There was a wreath making event at church which was a relaxing two hours in which I created a wreath to hang on my new door. I attended a women's Christmas brunch and visited Our Lady of the Snows, a place with lights and a petting zoo. For New Years, even though I was sick, I managed to attend a party, but mostly sat like a lump in my friend's papasan the whole night. (I had fun, anyway.) Now that I am better and I have settled more comfortably into my apartment, I found that in the middle of January, I did nothing but watch Christmas movies, bake, and eat too much. I didn't intend to spend my time in that way, but I called it "Christmas in January" because...