The Darker Shade of Love
In my artwork, whether I'm painting, using collage, or taking photographs such as the one on this post, I often create images of sharp contrasts. Dark silhouettes of trees, people or plants displayed against a backdrop of a stunning sky are indicative of the darkness and beauty I see in life.
When I write such posts as "Exceptional Lover" and "Call Me Ruth" exploring the rich gift of love, there is always a caveat in the back of my mind. Think of this caveat as the silhouette against love's more obvious joys.
There are darker shades to a life of love. Besides my personal issues as a flawed human in often failing miserably to be patient or purely caring towards everyone around me, there is also the deep pain of loving people who throw your offerings sharply in your face or leave them to freeze in the palm of your hand.
For two years I strove to befriend a man who I admired. I tried having friendly conversations with this man. Most of the time, I found myself talking to his back as he walked away from me "busy" with tasks. If he did speak to me face to face, he looked uncomfortable or distracted, like a deer in headlights, and left the conversation as quickly as possible. As is my custom with many people, I sent him home-made cards only with Bible verses written on them when I heard he was needing encouragement. He never once said thank you, never told me if God used them to encourage him, or even acknowledged that he had received them. He could have burned them for all I know.
I was hurt and often found myself growing cold and angry towards him. I'd determine never to speak to him again, to not care, to no longer try to befriend him. Then God would remind me that he was my brother in Christ and I needed to learn to forgive him and find appropriate ways to love him despite his distance.
His behavior was inconsistent and confusing. If I met with this man to discuss something I was learning he was convincing in his care of me as a person. I could even confront him on the manner in which he interacted with me and he would receive the criticism well. He was busy, he said. Even when he wasn't busy, he'd find reasons to be busy once I entered the room and rarely spoke to me except for the occasional hello. There could be one person in the room with me and he'd speak only to the other person and not even acknowledge that I was there.
At a time when I was feeling extremely stupid caring for a man who constantly brushed me off, God spoke to me and said in essence, "Laelia, I've allowed you a glimpse into how I love. Think of the people in the world who I pursue and shower gifts upon, who I love more than you will ever love anyone. Now you understand how it is for me to be ignored by these people who are cold and indifferent towards my love."
After that revelation, I stopped pursuing a friendship with this man who so obviously did not want to know me. I remained civil towards him and ask God to help me forgive this man in my heart, but will no longer try to get to know him in the least anymore.
There was a woman, twenty years older than me who was a loner. She sat by herself for events and I noticed no one ever spoke to her. I felt God prodding my heart towards this woman and began the careful, slow process of befriending her. I started small because I could see she was cautious. I was willing to take my time because God showed me that this woman had much bitterness, fear, and resentment towards people so she needed to be shown consistent, patient, love. She sat with me, I introduced her to other friends. She started hanging out with these friends, opening up her heart, laughing and crying, expressing a desire for healing. There were moments I had to do a lot of praying that God would renew the love in my heart for this woman because she would often downright snarl at me or others. I wanted to give up so many times, but God kept showing me the difference that more love from others was making in this woman's life.
Eight months into my friendship with her, the woman began expressing inexplicable jealousy and anger towards me based on completely erroneous assumptions. The behavior worsened each time I saw her, she became more depressed and distanced herself from everyone. With me she became utterly cruel, cursing at me when I asked how she was doing, shoving her hand in my face and moving to the other side of the room when I tried to be near her. The sudden change in her behavior was so inexplicable! We hadn't had an argument and as far as I knew my care towards her hadn't waned.
As her actions towards me grew more disdainful and bitter, I was advised by friends to cut her out of my life. While part of me was willing to because I was getting hurt, the other part which had seen how much God had done in drawing this woman's heart out, didn't want to give up! I tried to give her space for a time and only say hi when we crossed paths, but she'd pretend not to hear me. One day she cussed me out, demanded that I get away from her and declared in body language, facial expressions, and venomous words that she hated me. In that moment, God showed me in a small way how heartbreaking it is to be utterly rejected and hated by a person you love.
Looking back on these experiences, I know there are a myriad of ways I "loved" selfishly, pushed too much or not enough, but I know all along the way I was asking God to give me wisdom and love for these people which I cared deeply for and wanted to see God work in their lives. I asked for God's love when my flesh wanted to hate them. I pursued them in God's strength when my flesh wanted to give up and protect myself from getting hurt yet again.
In the end, the Lord reminded me of Isaiah 55:10-11
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
I often wondered if my heart would have been better off without trying to love in these painful situations. With the man, I felt it would have been more productive to love a brick wall. At least it wouldn't have walked away from me. With the woman, it would have been less painful to love a viper. There are antidotes for snake venom at least.
I grew in my understanding of the Lord's sacrificial love and learned about my own habits and selfishness, but I also learned my limitations. God may be willing to die to save those who hate him, but I will never have his power or perfect love. I can't change people. Maybe now I need to learn when to take the hint and proceed to cut these people out of my heart sooner, but it is hard to give up when I glimpse the love of God in my own life.
At times I wondered what the point was of loving these people if it seemed to make no difference in their lives. The verses in Isaiah reminded me that God's word accomplishes its work. The Word is Christ, and Christ is God's expression of love to the world, so any love given through Christ is not in vain. I choose to believe that the love God expresses through imperfect me will not return to Him void.
Even though it was excruciating for Christ, he died in love, knowing there were those who would indifferently pass up knowing Him or downright curse His very name. Like Christ did for us, I want to endeavor to love in the darker circumstances. For example, as in my silhouette contrasted artwork, while most of love is the golden, purple, light-filled glory of a sun filled sky, there is also the disappointing, rejected experience in love. That pain is impossible for humans to bear righteously without the strength of Christ. The darker shade of true love is darkened by the sheer depth, pain, and vastness of its sacrifice- Christ's death.
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