PMS

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I feel blah today. I am not looking forward to giving my student her cello lesson because I feel stuck, like I am not really doing a good job as her teacher. I am feeling really discouraged about the fact that God is not bringing me a full-time job. Most days I can remain hopeful and continue searching/applying, but some days I can't even think about jobs.

What REALLY has been annoying me lately is TALKING about jobs with people. I appreciate everyone's desire to help me think of options, but after ten months of applying in two different states and having conversations with 100 different people about how horrible the "job market" is, how "this economy" is effecting everyone, how "there are more qualified people than you who have been having a harder time," I just can't take it anymore! UUUGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Can someone just discuss MUSIC or ART, HORSES, or even the reasons why you love yellow gumballs over green ones with me???

I DON'T CARE what job options are out there or how "horrible" the stupid market is! AT THIS POINT it just sounds like a figment of people's imaginations!!!! The fact that others are worse off is obvious, but it doesn't change the fact that I am still having a hard time and I need a job as well! My uncle is moving to South Korea by January! If I don't get a full-time job soon, how am I going to save up to live somewhere? I have no health insurance! If I don't get a job with benefits, I am going to have to pay for my prescription out of pocket! I am SO SO TIRED of nickle and diming to the point of having to decide, "pay this bill on time or buy food for today?" I am thankful for the things I have and the people around me, but I haven't bought any clothes in over a year and everything I have has holes in it! There are like three things I own that don't. My shoes are falling apart and I really want to be able to make the payments on my sponsor child (who is worse off than anyone in this country!) and be able to send her a Christmas present!

I want to be able to buy the plane ticket to my best friend in Tucson's wedding or just plain be able to go to the Shaw Nature Reserve without having to consider how much gas I am using to drive there.
I am craving fruit and veggies right now. I want a peach really badly...or a whole fruit salad with pineapples. I love pineapples.

I need a hug more than anything.
I am really tired lately.
I feel so ugly today.
I miss my dog, Sugar!
I miss my parents and my siblings!
(I don't miss Arizona at all!)
I am upset my Bible Study might be changing just when I was settling into it. Now I have to get used to a new leader, new place, new schedule! I am praying.
I wish God would put skin on himself and come down and hug me instead of being way out there. I know he's there and hears me, but sometimes I just want to FEEL him!

WAAHAAAAA!!!!

I think I am going to a wedding today. I don't even know the people getting married, so I feel a little intrusive, but the bulletin said everyone in church was welcome to attend the ceremony. I love watching weddings and I have always wanted to see what one looks like in our sanctuary. It will be good to get out of the house and think of happy, beautiful things...

Comments

Kelsea Nicole said…
Sorry things are crappy, friend. I don't really have any kind of comfort or advice, but I wanted you to know that I'm reading and I hope things get better for you soon!
October 10, 2010 at 1:15 AM
Laelia Watt said…
Thank you for listening. :) I felt a lot better after writing this. Sometimes it is just necessary to vent. Going to the wedding helped a ton and the rest of the day was fun too. I feel way more normal today.
October 10, 2010 at 3:17 PM
alexis. said…
Laelia, I was unemployed or working part time and temp gigs between 2007 and 2008. I was in a bible study where they only asked me about that and never cared about me deeply, and it was a icky and horrible experience. You find out how unimportant status is when you see that most of the world thinks it is based off of whether you are working or not. The world is stressful and hard enough, but people who've never been in hard situations don't get the deeper things in life. I care about the character and spirit of people rather than their societal status.
October 14, 2010 at 12:09 PM
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