The Realistic Cover Letter
Dear upper echelon entities,
This is now the fifteenth application I have submitted to your esteemed establishment. After a total of one year and one month of being a college graduate unable to procure suitable employment, I am resorting to nontraditional measures. Instead of enumerating my various skills and experiences that can be easily determined by reading my resume, and instead of wasting your time (and my sanity) by explaining with simpering posture how much I adore your institution, I am going to cut to the chase, as they say.
There is no doubt that I can perform the duties of this job. Not only have I demonstrated that I have a brain by making it through elementary and high school years with straights A's, but I also graduated high school a year early. In college, I was on the Dean's list every semester in four different colleges located in two different states. This demonstrates an ability to adapt to new environments easily. I studied nursing, art, dance, Spanish, music, Equine Science and creative writing, which displays a propensity for acquiring new skills. In my personal life, I am constantly picking up new hobbies such as gardening, musical instruments, sewing, horseback riding, training horses... The job that you are offering entails greeting visitors, making travel arrangements and answering phones. These duties require very little brain power. If you give me this job, not only will I do it with a smile, but I will write a novel in my head or contemplate a new social theory that applies to the visitors' habits.
If my humble rant does not convince you that I am qualified, allow me to describe my reasons for applying for this position. First, I desire to move out of my uncle's house. I am 26, with a degree and highly skilled, and yet, I live out of my suitcases in my uncle's basement because otherwise I would be out on the streets. My dreams are simple. I desire to live, work and attend church near the Park. Your office is conveniently located in the aforementioned area, and the salary that you offer would allow me to rent an apartment. This job, therefore, would be fulfilling that desire. The other reason I want this job is because I am poor - and TIRED of being poor. I have no health insurance and I am unable to pay my bills. Sometimes it is difficult to buy food. It is said that potential employees esteem honest individuals. If I am being honest, then, the only reason I am interested in applying for your mind-numbingly boring position, is because of the salary, benefits and location. I could say that I care about the work you accomplish there, but then, I would be lying.
In conclusion, while you drip jelly donut sludge all over this carefully crafted cover letter and contemplate, unsympathetically, my future survival, I am slowly losing my grip on reality. If you refuse my application, do not be surprised if you see a woman standing outside your office window staring with wild, irate eyes and ratty curly hair swirling profusely around her head.
Sincerely,
Laelia Watt
This is now the fifteenth application I have submitted to your esteemed establishment. After a total of one year and one month of being a college graduate unable to procure suitable employment, I am resorting to nontraditional measures. Instead of enumerating my various skills and experiences that can be easily determined by reading my resume, and instead of wasting your time (and my sanity) by explaining with simpering posture how much I adore your institution, I am going to cut to the chase, as they say.
There is no doubt that I can perform the duties of this job. Not only have I demonstrated that I have a brain by making it through elementary and high school years with straights A's, but I also graduated high school a year early. In college, I was on the Dean's list every semester in four different colleges located in two different states. This demonstrates an ability to adapt to new environments easily. I studied nursing, art, dance, Spanish, music, Equine Science and creative writing, which displays a propensity for acquiring new skills. In my personal life, I am constantly picking up new hobbies such as gardening, musical instruments, sewing, horseback riding, training horses... The job that you are offering entails greeting visitors, making travel arrangements and answering phones. These duties require very little brain power. If you give me this job, not only will I do it with a smile, but I will write a novel in my head or contemplate a new social theory that applies to the visitors' habits.
If my humble rant does not convince you that I am qualified, allow me to describe my reasons for applying for this position. First, I desire to move out of my uncle's house. I am 26, with a degree and highly skilled, and yet, I live out of my suitcases in my uncle's basement because otherwise I would be out on the streets. My dreams are simple. I desire to live, work and attend church near the Park. Your office is conveniently located in the aforementioned area, and the salary that you offer would allow me to rent an apartment. This job, therefore, would be fulfilling that desire. The other reason I want this job is because I am poor - and TIRED of being poor. I have no health insurance and I am unable to pay my bills. Sometimes it is difficult to buy food. It is said that potential employees esteem honest individuals. If I am being honest, then, the only reason I am interested in applying for your mind-numbingly boring position, is because of the salary, benefits and location. I could say that I care about the work you accomplish there, but then, I would be lying.
In conclusion, while you drip jelly donut sludge all over this carefully crafted cover letter and contemplate, unsympathetically, my future survival, I am slowly losing my grip on reality. If you refuse my application, do not be surprised if you see a woman standing outside your office window staring with wild, irate eyes and ratty curly hair swirling profusely around her head.
Sincerely,
Laelia Watt
Comments