2010

Strange that I finally come to terms with 2010 in the last few hours of the year. At the New Year's Eve service, our Associate Pastor, Greg, asked people to share what they learned in 2010. I desperately wanted to verbalize what God had done in 2010, but I didn't know how to sum it up until it was too late to share. My conclusion was this, though; "In 2010, I saw how God keeps his promises- that when he says,
'When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.'

that He is not lying

and when His word says,

'Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.'

I can trust God to be faithful, and that He truly loves me, because I have seen these promises kept and demonstrated in my life this year."

My friend, Jen, had this quote as her Facebook status today:

"Twas grace that called our souls at first; By grace thus far we've come; And grace will help us through the worst, And lead us safely home...No sweeter subject can invite a sinner's heart to sing, or more display the glorious right of our exalted King." -John Newton

I was struck by how applicable these words are to my experiences in 2010, but also through the years I spent in Tucson. I spent more time singing this year than almost any year of my life, mostly because when I was being pulled into dark spiritual attack or felt so uncertain about my purpose or direction, singing to the Lord was the only thing that lifted my focus back to the Keeper of my soul. When I moved to St. Louis, I still couldn't stop singing because I was so relieved and filled with immense gratitude that God had brought me "home"! His grace imbued this year with meaning and strength when I thought there was none to be found.

And thus, I am left with a surprising conclusion: I can actually find myself praising God for the ENTIRE year. I finally realized last night that everything difficult about 2010 was made into something beautiful and helpful in my life.

Not having a job from January-mid March allowed me to wrestle with God about finding my worth in a job or money (I had been working since I was 13 at least and for the first time in my life, in my upper 20s and with a BA, I could not get a job!)
The free time gave me opportunity to play vast quantities of music with my friends, learn the recorder, get my TEFL certification and think honestly about whether Tucson was really where I wanted to permanently situate my life.

Even though my health had reached a crisis point during the Spring and I had to go through detestable procedures, my lovely doctor was able to discover an issue that had actually been plagueing me for 16 years! For 16 years I had been in excruciating pain every month and during the five years in Tucson, my body went downhill even though I was exercising constantly and eating just as well as I had all my life. I kept going to the normal doctor, knowing there was something wrong with me, but he kept saying I was fine. It wasn't until other issues arose in 2010 that I finally forced myself to go to the OBGYN where she discovered that there was something amiss that explained everything. After she made sure I did not have cancer as well (PCOS has higher chance of endometrial cancer), she just put me on simple birth control to regulate hormones! And let me tell you, for the first time in SIXTEEN YEARS, I feel so...perfectly fine!!! Amazing! It feels like a miracle the difference is so obvious.

Lastly, the joblessness, health issues, spititual attack, the extreme darkness I saw on the reservations where I worked part time from mid-March to mid-May, the restlessness and general unhappiness that increased about being in Tucson all combined to make me desperate enough to go on a road trip in June. I had wanted to go, but hadn't been working enough to afford it. I never liked to use credit cards for anything except school emergencies, but I took a risk and went on the trip. It was on this road trip that God brought everything he had been doing in my life to a climax and made me realize that I wanted to (and should) move back to St. Louis. I got back from the trip on June 28th and by July 28th, I arrived in St. Louis with my few belongings.

The second half of 2010 was like a completely different life. I still didn't get a full-time job, but God brought so much happiness, rest and healing into my life. I spent hours lying in the grass at parks, wandering along rushing streams, processing the new sense of safety I felt and letting the words of sermons I heard sink into my heart. I even attended counseling (thanks to Jen's suggestion!) at Covenant Seminary to process some of the more unbearable Tucson pain. For months, God kept building into my life like this until my spirit went from feeling like the barren desert I had left to a verdant willow tree like the ones I now sit under by the rippling lakes at the park.

I thank God for my friend Layne who played so much music with me, spoke truth to me when things were dark and who planned the road trip that was a pivotal moment in my life. She will remain dear to my heart forever.

I thank God for my parents, grandmother and even Tucson Landlord who either gave me vast quantities of money to make it through July and move to St. Louis or, in the case of Dan, made alternative arrangements to forgive some of the rent I owed him so that I could move to St. Louis.

I thank God for my generous, kind, godly, sweet uncle Dick who has taken me in these many months. He has made me laugh, encouraged me, and just generally made me feel welcome and loved as I get on my feet here. Even as he plans to go to S. Korea, he has generously provided a way for my cousin Pam and I to afford a living arrangement and stay in his house while he is gone.

I thank God for George and Barbara Stulac who immediately embraced me literally and figuratively upon my return to Memorial PCA. Not only have they provided me with a cello to borrow, but they have offered me godly advice, prayers, support, have made me feel loved, welcomed and at home- I secretly consider them my spiritual parents in St. Louis.

I thank God for Greg Johnson, whose wisdom, humility and kindness have made me less afraid to trust again and have inspired me in more ways than I can articulate. His sermons and guidance God has especially used in enormous and miraculous ways to speak into my life and challenge me.

I thank God for the Kenyon family who have opened their home to me and others every week for open house, but especially for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. These have been some of my favorite holidays of my life even! Michelle and Eric's love for each other is such a blessing to observe and John's antics constantly make me laugh. I not so secretly consider them like my siblings. Even adorable, furry Rudy lets me dance around the kitchen with him like I used to do with my dog.

And generally, I just thank God for every person in my church- the George family, Stanleys, Wolfe family, Thompsons, Whitmans who have become incredibly dear to me, my friends Alexis, Arrika, Tasha Kay and so many more- all people who have enriched my life and make me praise God every day for their presence and love.

I love these people so dearly, I wish I could demonstrate how much!

The end of all this is, I can thank God with tears in my eyes, for what He accomplished in 2010. Now THAT is a miracle!