Exceptional Lover

For someone who has many diverse talents, I am quite insecure. As a general rule, I can dance, sing, play the cello and recorder, sew, draw, make scultptures or a bowl out of clay, ride and train horses, babysit ten kids at a time and potty train a three year old like an experienced mother, write creatively, handle my finances (when I HAVE finances to handle, that is), clean houses 'til they shine, teach ESL and other subjects, read and analyze a piece of literature or discuss a concept and then write a twenty page analytical essay discussing my argument.

Not only that, but I can memorize all of the muscles and bones in the body, research and discuss the hormone-mimic effects of pesticides and antibiotics on the endocrine system, work in a research lab as easily as I can work as a secretary in an office, haul bales of hay on a farm and muck stalls like a pro. I can row a canoe through mild rapids, swim, make people laugh or cry, speak with ease and alacrity before an audience of ten, one hundred or one thousand people. I have inherited my dad's green thumb and general landscaping abilities. I can decorate a house, discuss politics, social justice issues, or inane subjects such as why I like clear toothbrushes over solid ones.

I love so many things and it is easy to apply myself to activities and subjects that I love. And people wonder why I had such a hard time deciding what to study in college...

One may assume I give this run on list with a sense of pride and arrogance, but that one would assume incorrectly. In fact, when I think about these things, it is almost with a feeling of frustration and overwhelming inadequacy. Why?

Unfortunately, ever since I was a teenager at least, I have had this strange obsession with trying to determine my "exceptional ability." It is a philosophy of mine, mostly rooted in my Christian worldview, that every person is born for a purpose and that each person is uniquely gifted/created in some way to live out that purpose as only they can to bring glory to God.

About the time I came to this conclusion, I started noting the things in others that made them unique-

Some, like Yo-Yo Ma, a world famous cellist, spread joy in the world through their amazing musical talents. Bach, a genius composer, dedicated all of his pieces to God and centruries later, we learn of the man, his contribution to the world and about his relationship with God.

Some, like Charles Dickens, my favorite author, challenge the social status quo and are still relevent generations later. C. S. Lewis was an author who used his gift of words for the Lord, to challenge, inspire, teach and entertain readers.

Some, like Thomas Edison, discoverer of electricity, Edward Jenner, inventor of smallpox vaccine, Albert Einstein, father of modern physics, and others like them used their scientific/philosophical intelligence to better our physical lives in some way.

In my friends' lives, I see people who excel in teaching, caring for others in the nursing field, pastors who make a difference in hundreds of people's lives at a time, artists whose work is displayed in galleries, musicians who tour the country inspiring crowds with their uplifting music, scientists who study the genome of plants to better the crops for people in third world countries, engineers who design things I couldn't even dream about, friends who are already published authors or excel in the area of motherhood/fatherhood/spousehood (Is that a word?)....

But in all of these things, I noticed that there was something about these individuals that they did "exceptionally." That they were able to accomplish in such a way that focused their energies and purpose into one strong beam of light in the world.

In comparison, I have often felt like an explosion of pixie dust- whimsical, but completely unconcentrated to do any good.

For years, I have thought seriously about this. While driving in the car, "What is it that I can offer to the world that is unique to who God made me?"
While sitting in the coffeeshop, "I can do so many things, but nothing really exceptionally...I can think of so many people who do such and such a million times better than I can... While walking in the park, "How did God make me specifically to make my mark on the world?"

I have a slightly creepy affinity for spending time in graveyards. Besides the fact that they are peaceful, often beautifully landscaped, and few people visit them so I can be alone for a while, I like to read the grave markers. I often walk among the stones and wonder about the former lives of the people who are buried there. They lived and breathed like I do now, with hopes and dreams, sufferings, love interests and heartbreaks, and, like mine will some day, their lives suddenly ended. Walking in graveyards is an effective way to remind oneself of life's frailty. Even there in the graveyards, I wonder, "Is this person remembered anymore? How did they spend their lives? For good (others/God) or evil (self/Satan)? What mark did they uniquely leave on the world/for God's Kingdom?"


One morning a couple of weeks ago here in St. Louis, I lay in bed half asleep. Often, I like to linger in that half-awake/ dreamlike state and wonder about the world or my life, or pray, or just think of nothing. That morning, I found myself asking God again in frustration, "I have been wondering for years, WHAT is it exactly that I do exceptionally? What is it that you have made me to do in this life that will bring the most glory to you?"

And to my surprise, God finally answered. I am not sure if he said it aloud in my head or if it welled up from within, but the answer came in one word,

"LOVE"

My eyes flew open! I was fully awake now. "LOVE?" As I pondered what that meant, I grinned to myself, "OH!!!! LOOOVVVEEE!!!! God has made me unique in the ability to LOVE deeply and exceptionally! Ahhh!!!!" It made total sense, especially as I thought back through my life and how God often works in my life, chooses for me to speak into people's lives and when considering my MOTIVATION for everything I do.

I DO love! I love a ton!! I LOVE like crazy! Out of everything I can do, everything I have ever done or tried to do, LOVING is what I do best! Even my Myers-Briggs personality type, INFJ, is known to love and understand people exceptionally well! God has, in all senses, made me to be a person who loves exceptionally!

I love people easily and deeply, even going into sudden fits of rapture when I look into a friend or family member's face. I have been known to be sticken with such a huge wave of love for a stranger that I stop in the middle of a conversation and hug them and SAY that I love them. This happened once when my mom and I were talking with a curator of a blown glass art gallery in Sedona. We were discussing art and I inconveniently felt that wave of love for the happy curator. I suddenly threw my arms around the lady and said, "Oh! You are just wonderful! You are so kind and beautiful and I love you!" The lady was taken aback, but thrilled, and then hugged me back. My mom just laughed. She knows how I am.

For the next couple of weeks, I tried on this new revelation. If "loving" was the thing God made me to do exceptionally in this life, what does it look like practically in my day to day? What kind of ministry should I do? Since I have so much love to give, maybe that means God will actually give me a husband to shower it upon as well as upon others in my life...or He won't and I will focus it all on everyone else somehow.

At the same time, I knew that I do not love perfectly, just like I do nothing else perfectly. There have been times I have made the choice not to love when I knew I should, or acted in anger, hatred or jealousy instead of love. This was a sobering thought, that even my most "exceptional ability" fell short, but at the same time, I felt liberated because the love that I have flows from an understanding of God's perfect love for me and not really of my own ability. He is the only one who can do anything perfectly, especially when it comes to love, and this reminded me that if I am to live into my life role as "Exceptional Lover," that I will have to remember to stay rooted in the One Perfect Love.

A second revelation dawned on me after I heard a man describing how this young girl of his acquaintance grew up to champion the St. Louis city area officials to have prayer rallies for the city. Immediately, I felt my original inadequacies rear and I thought, "Here I am, 26 years old, and I have done nothing like that. I barely finished my BA degree, let alone inspired a growing city-wide prayer event. I have nothing to show for my life."

God used this moment and my subsequent reaction to make me realize that I have been incorrectly attaching finding my purpose with being recognized for it. While praying about it, God asked me, "What if you never go down in history for what I have called you to do? What if your name ends up on one of those forgotten gravestones and not in the history books? What if your call to 'LOVE' will show no grand, recognizable fruit in the here and now like for that young girl? What if you live your life and it looks completely ordinary on the surface and only I (God) know the full impact of your purpose?"

And I realized at that moment that finding my calling, purpose or "exceptional ability" might mean that I live my life quietly loving people for the rest of my days. Maybe at times, it will be recognizeable, but I think mostly I will love and love, and only those who are loved will know the difference it makes in them. Only God will know the full story and know the full impact of the love He flows freely through my life.

For the fisrt time in my life, I know what I am put on this earth to do.

I understand how God has uniquely created me to bring glory to Him.

For the first time in my life, I realize that even if I never become a published author or a world recognized cellist or am in the news for performing a life-saving procedure, that it doesn't mean my life is not making just as much or more of an impact.

To focus on being an "Exceptional Lover" will give everything I do purpose and direction, something to work towards and lean on God for.

For the first time in my life, I am at peace about my purpose.