The Uncomfortable In-Between
After a wedding in 2014, my cousin blurted out, "Laelia, you worry so much! I don't even believe in God and most things just eventually work out..." That comment was the impetus for a lot of soul searching. I knew it was true that I worried too much. I had only recently been facing how deep and long that Fear had been in my heart. And if I was supposed to have a God who I can trust, then why DID I worry so much? As a Christian since I was seven, God was supposed to be my antidote to that fear. Even as a teenager, I memorized verses like, "Do not fear, for I am with you!" and I could identify with the disciples when they were terrified on the stormy seas even though Jesus was on the boat.
Honestly, the world can be a scary place. Even if God is real, horrible things have happened, which Christians often attempt to rationalize with weak platitudes in order to hide pain and drown questions that threaten to undo their trite understandings of God. My cousin was right. Even without a belief in God, some things work out, some things don't. On this side of heaven, some things will always be painful, some things will be healed, and we all face death. We say that eventually God will work all things out, but we don't always live like we believe it. If Christians are truthful, in those quiet moments alone with their pain, we know that knowing God does not keep evil from touching our lives entirely. That is what scares me. I don't want pain! If I am going to see pain and sorrow anyway, what's the point of God? If I really claim to love God and trust that He is with me, no matter what the circumstances look like, and I really believe that He is not a namby-pamby, distant, or terrifying God, but one who loves me, has infinite power, and moved heaven and earth to make me his friend, then why is there so much fear?
These are the questions that are probably familiar to more people than would readily admit. I'm sorry to disappoint, but I have no concrete answers. What I have learned is that questions and pain, fear, and even doubt, have not totally obliterated the reality of God. My idea of Him may be changing, but that is probably more a result of learning to face the pain I see in my own heart and in the world, and weighing it against the sadly lacking image that American Christian culture often likes to paint Christianity as this "happy face, doubt-free, Just trust God and ignore the pain" opiate. In reality, and plastered all over the pages of the Bible itself, there are people who are afraid, doubting, depressed, who make stupid mistakes, who have a lot of questions and wrestle with God, and who face devastating pain such as death of loved ones, slavery, beatings, rape, injustice, hunger, poverty, and fear. Lots of Fear. Through it all, God is portrayed as constantly pursuing people- Calling people to lay their burdens at His feet, to weep, or rejoice, with each other, to turn from the other gods they use to answer their questions, to believe that He has, through Christ, made a way for us to know God even in the midst of all this mess. Maybe instead of hiding our pain and fear, we could take comfort that we have Someone with us who welcomes us to ask more questions. Instead of worrying, I could learn to live with the discomfort of not having all the answers yet.
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