Why a Childfree Decision can be a Godly Decision
After years of prayer and seeking God about the possibility that I may never want to be a mother, I started researching women, motherhood, and children in the Bible and asking advice from my pastors. This is a vast overview of what I have learned:
While Adam and Eve and humanity as a whole were given the directive to be fruitful and multiply, nowhere in scripture does it say that having children is a requirement for every individual couple.
This is what the Bible does make clear about our attitude towards children in general:
~Children are to be considered a blessing and a good upon the earth, unlike some of the pagan cultures around Israel at the time who slaughtered their children for sacrifice to the gods or left them to die in the wilderness if unwanted.
~As Christ demonstrated with the way he blessed the children, they are to be received into the kingdom and brought to Christ, not sidelined or dismissed as unimportant.
~They are to be protected, guided/disciplined, and loved.
~If children are to be brought into the world, it is best in the context of marriage.
~God has a plan and purpose for all children, creates us in the mother's womb, knows us intimately
~Children are to obey their parents
The Bible does not say that a requirement for marriage is that couples must have children. In Genesis and in the New Testament, whenever God describes marriage it is always in this phrase: a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. This is mentioned over and over in the same terms, a man and woman united as one equals marriage.
Not all couples in the Bible are mentioned to have had children and with some, the children were only a passing mention when describing the individual's service to the Lord. There are a couple of women who were barren and deeply longed for a child and prayed to God about their desire until it was answered.
~Abraham and Sarah were without children for decades, but God promised Abraham both physical and spiritual descendants (physical through Isaac, spiritual through faith in Christ)
~Samuel's mom Hannah was barren for years. Her husband loved her and did not mind that she couldn't conceive, but because wife #2 shamed Hannah so much, she pleaded with the Lord for a child.
~Deborah was a Judge over all of Israel. Scripture says she was a married woman, but says nothing about whether she has children or not. In fact, in her song, she is referred to as the "mother to/for Isreal" as in, she may not have had biological children, but she "mothered" an entire nation of people in their time of need.
~The book of Esther never mentions whether Esther has children or not.
~The married couple in Song of Solomon enjoy lots of intimacy, sex and oneness, but children are never mentioned.
~In the new testament, Lydia is not described as either married or with children, but was possibly a widow. She is referred to by her profession, in fact, a woman who sells purple cloth.
~Priscilla and Aquila were a married couple who were missionaries and teachers in the early church. The Bible doesn't mention children, but describes their service to God.
I quickly highlight these people to point out that the desire for children, the presence of children, or the lack of children in these people's stories demonstrate that every individual and couple is unique. Their worth or spiritual status before God did not rest on whether they had children or not. Throughout the Bible, God describes what it means to follow Him and be holy- act justly, love mercy, walk humbly, make disciples of all nations, look after the orphan and the widow, obey Christ.
The New Testament makes it clear that we are all equal in Christ:
So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise. (Galatians 3:26-29)
1 Corinthians 7 makes it clear that we have the freedom to be either single or married. At the time, if you weren't married, especially if you were an unmarried woman, you had little to no status in society so Christ changes the social dynamics by putting an emphasis on our spiritual legacy (make disciples) and our equality before God because of Christ, rather than by our progeny or marital status.
To sum all of this up, God makes it clear that He cares for children, that he has a place for sex and rearing of children in the context of marriage, but he does not say, ever, that a marriage MUST include children. All of the examples of married people, women, and overall heroes of the Bible have such different stories! The fact that children are sometimes mentioned in passing for some figures or not at all for others shows that that is not the point of the story God is conveying. If the desire for children and the blessing of them is mentioned, then that is the point of that figure's story. Some couples bemoan the lack of children, sometimes only one member of a couple grieves over not having children, others we don't even know if they ever had any!
It is Biblical to say that "If children are brought into the world, the couple should be married" but it is not Biblical to say, "If you are married, you should have children." That idea is not ever indicated in the Bible. Throughout history there have been couples unable to conceive and, however rudimentary, there were even "birth control" options. (Though there aren't drugs or condoms involved, even "Natural Family Planning" is a birth control method.) Today it is easier to actually avoid getting pregnant than in the past, but without even looking at the types of birth control or sterilization procedures, whether or if we should be using them, it really boils down to the questions I have been trying to answer here:
Is it a sin to not have children?
No. Unless you are Onan refusing to do your duty under the law.
(In fact, Abraham sinned by HAVING a child with his wife's servant instead of trusting God to provide through Sarah. There's food for thought.)
Are you legitimately married if you don't have children?
Seriously people, you need to read your Bibles. Remember Adam and Eve? God pronounced them man and wife. They were one. Children came later, but children are never mentioned in the definition of marriage. If you had to have a kid to be married, then barren couples are living in sin and every couple should have a kid out of wedlock before the wedding ceremony.
Is every couple supposed to have children to please God?
No. Clearly, as I have indicated, our rightness before God is in our hearts before Christ not in our family status or lack thereof.
Personally, based on my reading of scripture, the question of having children is open-ended and unique to the individuals and their circumstances. The word "mother" is so much broader than simply rearing one's own children or even adopting a couple of individuals legally. I find it comforting to know that my nurturing qualities can be used to "mother" the orphans and widows of this world and that I can be a spiritual mother to people as a mentor. My mom once said to me that maybe I could be "a mother of thousands" through my writing which makes me think of Deborah who was like a mother to the entire nation of Israel by leading them to victory in war and being a wise Judge over the people.
If you hate children, you need to repent of that and ask God to give you love in your heart and see them as a blessing. If you think harming or aborting children is okay, then you need to repent and read the Ten Commandments again. If you as a couple decide to forgo having children, then approach it as you would any major life decision- with prayer and wisdom, scripture and godly advice- and then proceed in freedom and joy to serve the Lord uniquely!
While Adam and Eve and humanity as a whole were given the directive to be fruitful and multiply, nowhere in scripture does it say that having children is a requirement for every individual couple.
This is what the Bible does make clear about our attitude towards children in general:
~Children are to be considered a blessing and a good upon the earth, unlike some of the pagan cultures around Israel at the time who slaughtered their children for sacrifice to the gods or left them to die in the wilderness if unwanted.
~As Christ demonstrated with the way he blessed the children, they are to be received into the kingdom and brought to Christ, not sidelined or dismissed as unimportant.
~They are to be protected, guided/disciplined, and loved.
~If children are to be brought into the world, it is best in the context of marriage.
~God has a plan and purpose for all children, creates us in the mother's womb, knows us intimately
~Children are to obey their parents
The Bible does not say that a requirement for marriage is that couples must have children. In Genesis and in the New Testament, whenever God describes marriage it is always in this phrase: a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. This is mentioned over and over in the same terms, a man and woman united as one equals marriage.
Not all couples in the Bible are mentioned to have had children and with some, the children were only a passing mention when describing the individual's service to the Lord. There are a couple of women who were barren and deeply longed for a child and prayed to God about their desire until it was answered.
~Abraham and Sarah were without children for decades, but God promised Abraham both physical and spiritual descendants (physical through Isaac, spiritual through faith in Christ)
~Samuel's mom Hannah was barren for years. Her husband loved her and did not mind that she couldn't conceive, but because wife #2 shamed Hannah so much, she pleaded with the Lord for a child.
~Deborah was a Judge over all of Israel. Scripture says she was a married woman, but says nothing about whether she has children or not. In fact, in her song, she is referred to as the "mother to/for Isreal" as in, she may not have had biological children, but she "mothered" an entire nation of people in their time of need.
~The book of Esther never mentions whether Esther has children or not.
~The married couple in Song of Solomon enjoy lots of intimacy, sex and oneness, but children are never mentioned.
~In the new testament, Lydia is not described as either married or with children, but was possibly a widow. She is referred to by her profession, in fact, a woman who sells purple cloth.
~Priscilla and Aquila were a married couple who were missionaries and teachers in the early church. The Bible doesn't mention children, but describes their service to God.
I quickly highlight these people to point out that the desire for children, the presence of children, or the lack of children in these people's stories demonstrate that every individual and couple is unique. Their worth or spiritual status before God did not rest on whether they had children or not. Throughout the Bible, God describes what it means to follow Him and be holy- act justly, love mercy, walk humbly, make disciples of all nations, look after the orphan and the widow, obey Christ.
The New Testament makes it clear that we are all equal in Christ:
So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise. (Galatians 3:26-29)
1 Corinthians 7 makes it clear that we have the freedom to be either single or married. At the time, if you weren't married, especially if you were an unmarried woman, you had little to no status in society so Christ changes the social dynamics by putting an emphasis on our spiritual legacy (make disciples) and our equality before God because of Christ, rather than by our progeny or marital status.
To sum all of this up, God makes it clear that He cares for children, that he has a place for sex and rearing of children in the context of marriage, but he does not say, ever, that a marriage MUST include children. All of the examples of married people, women, and overall heroes of the Bible have such different stories! The fact that children are sometimes mentioned in passing for some figures or not at all for others shows that that is not the point of the story God is conveying. If the desire for children and the blessing of them is mentioned, then that is the point of that figure's story. Some couples bemoan the lack of children, sometimes only one member of a couple grieves over not having children, others we don't even know if they ever had any!
It is Biblical to say that "If children are brought into the world, the couple should be married" but it is not Biblical to say, "If you are married, you should have children." That idea is not ever indicated in the Bible. Throughout history there have been couples unable to conceive and, however rudimentary, there were even "birth control" options. (Though there aren't drugs or condoms involved, even "Natural Family Planning" is a birth control method.) Today it is easier to actually avoid getting pregnant than in the past, but without even looking at the types of birth control or sterilization procedures, whether or if we should be using them, it really boils down to the questions I have been trying to answer here:
Is it a sin to not have children?
No. Unless you are Onan refusing to do your duty under the law.
(In fact, Abraham sinned by HAVING a child with his wife's servant instead of trusting God to provide through Sarah. There's food for thought.)
Are you legitimately married if you don't have children?
Seriously people, you need to read your Bibles. Remember Adam and Eve? God pronounced them man and wife. They were one. Children came later, but children are never mentioned in the definition of marriage. If you had to have a kid to be married, then barren couples are living in sin and every couple should have a kid out of wedlock before the wedding ceremony.
Is every couple supposed to have children to please God?
No. Clearly, as I have indicated, our rightness before God is in our hearts before Christ not in our family status or lack thereof.
Personally, based on my reading of scripture, the question of having children is open-ended and unique to the individuals and their circumstances. The word "mother" is so much broader than simply rearing one's own children or even adopting a couple of individuals legally. I find it comforting to know that my nurturing qualities can be used to "mother" the orphans and widows of this world and that I can be a spiritual mother to people as a mentor. My mom once said to me that maybe I could be "a mother of thousands" through my writing which makes me think of Deborah who was like a mother to the entire nation of Israel by leading them to victory in war and being a wise Judge over the people.
If you hate children, you need to repent of that and ask God to give you love in your heart and see them as a blessing. If you think harming or aborting children is okay, then you need to repent and read the Ten Commandments again. If you as a couple decide to forgo having children, then approach it as you would any major life decision- with prayer and wisdom, scripture and godly advice- and then proceed in freedom and joy to serve the Lord uniquely!
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