Your Child is Not Your Life

Chapel of the Holy Cross, Sedona, AZ-Photo by Laelia Watt

This is a difficult subject to broach because there is a danger of implying the cliche sentiments "be true to yourself" and "live life to the fullest", thus insinuating that you shouldn't be so dedicated or passionate about your role as a parent. Now that I have made clear what I am not saying, let me say what I am saying.

In the first installment of this "Your Child" series, I made the case that the major role of a parent is to help mold and teach (ie: train) your child in all areas of life so that they will grow to become capable, intelligent, spiritually interested adults.

In part two, I reminded parents to view their children as separate, unique people with gifts and personalities to offer the world and others. As a parent, it is imperative that you remember this in helping children grow and follow a direction that makes sense for who they are as individual creations.

With such a huge and important task at hand, it is easy to become discouraged or feel like a failure in your parenting, so in part three, I endeavored to remind parents that they are going to make mistakes, but God is the Ultimate Healer and Counselor. You are meant to point your children to God, not be God for them.

In light of all these aforementioned ideas, my last point is that your child is not your life. As in, they should not be your source of life. For Christian parents reading this, your first reaction may be, "Duh, I know that already! God is supposed to be the source of life."

I'm glad you know that! But I'd like to challenge you to consider three ways that parents inadvertently make their children their source of life.

1. Understandably, because child-rearing takes an intense amount of time and energy and most parents adore their children, the relationship with their spouses are lowered in priority.

2. Again, conceding the first reasons, parents forget parts of themselves, even in little ways, and don't leave space for things they enjoy as an individual.

3. Because of the deterioration of the first two, the children's emotions, accomplishments, and your relationship with them becomes necessary for your happiness or contentment.

If you have one child, barring any unforeseen circumstances, the majority of your job as a parent will be "done" in about 18 years. Let's say you have 4 children, each two years apart. You will be parenting for 24 years or more. Regardless, you may find yourself an "empty nester" at some point. If for 18+ years you pour your heart into your children while forgetting to make an effort to consistently connect with your spouse, your spouse will become a stranger or an enemy because you've let years of bitter distance build unchecked. A strong relationship is a good example to children for their own interactions with others.

If the children are out of the house by the time you're 50, assuming you live the average life span, you're going to still be married for another 25 years! I hope you still like each other well enough after the kids are out of the house. I understand that parenting is time-consuming, but make the relationship with your spouse a priority, yes, even over your children. Children benefit from NOT being the center of attention all the time!
Besides, do you really want to be living a marriage for 18+ years without any date nights, a half-hearted sex life, and conversations only focused on diapers, discipline, Barney, school, and ballet practice?

As a parent, you do your children a service if you show them who you are as a person. If you're athletic, implement your passion for sports in the activities you do with your children or join a community league so your kids can come cheer YOU on! Are you good at math or science? Help your children with their homework, do word problems or fun science experiments together. Talk to them about the world issues that move your heart.

For me, as a child once myself, being able to see my dad work wonders in the garden and care for trees helped me appreciate him as a unique person. I was proud that he was the Vice President of the Cactus and Succulent Society and took classes to be certified as an International Arborist. Watching my mom mix paints, create beautiful works of art, attend her art gallery openings, and listen to her play her flute are some of my favorite memories of her. Growing up, she worked in and outside the house teaching art and later took time out to finish her BA degree.

Seeing my parents live out their callings as individuals helped me as their daughter to feel distinct from them and appreciate my parents more for what they offer the world. Not only that, but in watching them live out their passion, I learned new skills which I continue to utilize in my life as an adult. I will say it again. It is important for you to continue pursuing those gifts that God has given you for your own sake, for your children's health, and for the glory of God.

Lastly, it is devastating for children to see their parents' relationship deteriorate. They will not thank you if you become dependent on them for a sense of self-worth and strength because you've forgotten how to find joy in your relationship with God and in living out the gifts you've been given. Your children are a part of your life. They are an ongoing, integral part of your life and calling, but they are not meant to BE LIFE for you! No one can bear that burden except God and it's especially painful for children if they are made to bear it for their parents.

Find your life in Christ, continue to stoke the relationship with your spouse if you have one, and continue to live out your gifts for God, the world, and your children's benefit. Love your children. Free them from bearing the burden of being your life.


[Part 4 of 4 in the "Your Child..." series]