Your Child is Like a Horse
Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6 (NIV)
Before you berate me for likening your complex, precious child to a four legged animal covered in hair, bear with me for a moment. I ask you, what is your purpose in being a parent? I'm sure when you first held that darling squiggle in your arms, you went into raptures about loving them 'til the day you die. You swore to give them everything that is best for them and nothing that is bad, and, unlike your parents who sent you into counseling because of their egregious mistakes, you knew you'd be the bestest, most lovingest parent that ever graced the earth.
Then the sleepless nights sapped your energy. The throw-up on your favorite couch and Cheerios crunched into your briefcase were slightly discouraging, but, you thought, you are unfazed by a few setbacks. Soon, with maybe more than one little bundle growing bigger and more headstrong under your roof, you begin to lose the big picture. Sure you love your children and you can't imagine your life without them, but I ask you again, do you remember your purpose in being a parent?
After almost ten years doing extensive babysitting and nannying, I returned to the university world in 2007 to learn how to train horses. When the initial terror receded of potentially being kicked in the head by a panicked 700 lb "baby" animal, I quickly noticed the many parallels to parenting and training horses.
The purpose of horse training is to take an independent, wild, headstrong animal with no understanding of the strange ways of humans and painstakingly teach it how to trust you and function in the world of people. If you have ever gone horseback riding in any capacity, or even pet a farm horse over a fence, know that most of the horse's interactions with you have been trained into him. A horse does not first willingly take a brush to its hair, or let you near him to pet his soft muzzle, or God forbid let you touch his ears to put on the halter!
Everything that the horse does in the human world is unnatural to his species. Long before being able to ride a horse or have it pull a plow or lunge over a hedge and into a stream on an obstacle course, the trainer must put in hours of arduous labor. The trainer builds upon every lesson, learning the way horses communicate in order to bridge the gap in the lessons more easily. Building the trust and getting the horse to adopt the lessons requires a patience, calm confidence, compassion, consistency, understanding and fearlessness that is not unlike what is needed for parenting.
But, back to the purpose of parenting. If you take my definition of horse training and replace the word "animal" you get a pretty accurate description:
The purpose of parenting is to take an independent, wild, headstrong child with no understanding of the strange ways of humans and painstakingly teach him/her how to trust you and function in the world of people.
The verse in Proverbs which states, "Train a child in the way he should go..." is mostly used in the church in reference to teaching a child about God when he/she is young so that they will stay committed throughout life. While this is definitely true, I will demonstrate that the training required is not only spiritual.
When your baby was born, what could she do for herself? Absolutely nothing. If you left her in the grocery store, could she feed herself? If he went #2 in his diaper, could he clean himself? When your child was able to eat solid food, did they automatically know how to hold a spoon? Can your three year old naturally utilize conflict resolution techniques with her siblings or your seven year old know how to engage your work associate in polite conversation? How about your teenager? Can he drive a car without instruction or does she inherently know how to navigate her raging emotions?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, I do hope you are not a parent. Almost everything in the life of a human requires the guidance (training) and love (trust) of another individual! We'd die without someone taking care of us. We would not know how to talk, or even smile, let alone feel safe in the world without the constant interactions with those who care for us.
There are so many things we take for granted as adults that sometimes it is easy to look at your children and become frustrated at their lack of sense or cooperation. You are aghast at how they could be so selfish, lie so easily, not understand how to clean their room, or any of the sundry tasks and behaviors normal to humanity, and in those moments you forget your purpose as a parent.
The love you have for your children is manifested in the task of training them, slowly and painstakingly, one lesson at a time, how to function healthily and happily in the world as adults. You have them for 18 years and then if they live the average life expectancy, they have another 60 to live on their own.
This means that every time you hug your baby, clean his diaper, talk to her and smile into her face, comfort him while he has colic, discipline your three year old in a loving manner, reinforce the difference between truth and lies, teach them how to brush their own teeth, tell them for the twentieth time not to throw toys at the dog, talk through a conflict with them as tweens, you are teaching them how to function in the world as a rational (hopefully godly), compassionate, capable human beings.
You only know how to bring a fork full of food to your mouth because someone spent months teaching you how to avoid poking the utensil into your eye. You only know how to share with your spouse because someone in your past patiently reinforced the sharing lesson over and over again. Next time your child gets on your last nerve, step back emotionally and remember that they are a human in training for adulthood. Ask yourself, "What do they need to learn in this scenario?" and then be creative, firm and consistent in the implementation of the lesson according to their level of development. Think of yourself as a "child trainer" if it helps you.
[Part 1 of 4 in the "Your Child..." series]
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