Winston's Oblivion
The clouds were spread like pulled cotton batting across the steady blue sky and the remaining yellow, orange and brown leaves rustled dryly in the meandering breeze. I stared wide-eyed at the scene as I walked along with Winston on the end of his leash. His nails click-clicked as he padded along the sidewalk and my footsteps syncopated rythmically to his. Frequently Winston would stop and sniff a row of dried grasses or a painted garbage can, but I didn't hurry him along. We both seemed to enjoy the peaceful day and pleasant walk.
I felt so happy! Generally, I am a happy person, but the happiness that flooded over my heart was one that I hadn't felt in a while. It was a deep, contented happiness, that made me not only appreciate the scene before me, but look forward to the future.
The scenery and my thoughts lead me to ponder *"happiness." The day before, I had heard a man on the radio tell a woman whose husband wanted to divorce her, "God did not create marriage to make us happy- He made it to make us holy." While I understood perfectly that he was challenging the belief that marriage was never going to be perfect and that instead, God is more concerned with making us more like him, his cliche response grated my soul. My first thought was, "Why can't it be possible that he meant us to be both holy and happy?" and then, "His answer seems to insinuate that there is no happiness in holiness."
Americans are especially concerned with happiness. It is stipulated in our country's ideals that we are to have the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
But what is happiness? Where does it come from? How can we find it? Christians and non-Christians alike seem confused on this account. Normally, we default to the idea that happiness comes from our ability to do whatever we want, to follow our own desires and to be free from responsibility, but there are countless of examples around us every day that prove this is not true.
I stopped walking and looked at the clouds again. I realized in that moment that the happiness I felt this day was related to the fact that, not only did I love St. Louis and not only was I truly happy, as in cheerful, in my present state, but I was deeply happy because for the first time in my life I was in a place where I had determined to STAY.
Suddenly, I was smiling widely as I continued following Winston down the park path. It dawned on me that it was because I had committed to trusting God and following him even through the valleys, that I was able to have a measure of happiness and hope even through my darkest times. It was my commitment to loving my friends and family that allowed us to walk through our disagreements and failures.
It is the idea of committing my life to loving, serving and supporting a husband that made me excited about marriage. The radio man's comment about holiness vs happiness in marriage bothered me because we have the opportunity to be both happy AND holy in marriage. Commitment to God and a spouse brings the attention off of ourselves and fuels our desire to persevere when things are difficult, to heal when our sin would rather hurt, to give us a sense of purpose, fulfillment and gladness in truly loving the other person.
In order to understand what commitment entails, read the many definitions of the word, COMMIT:
to give in trust or charge; consign.
to consign for preservation
to pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one's intention, feeling, etc.)
to bind or obligate, as by pledge or assurance; pledge: to commit oneself to a promise; to be committed to a course of action.
to entrust, esp. for safekeeping; commend
to do; perform;
to consign to custody
to deliver for treatment, disposal, etc.; relegate
to send into a battle
Parliamentary Procedure . to refer (a bill or the like) to a committee for consideration.
–verb (used without object)
to pledge or engage oneself
In these definitions alone, I can say that to commit requires sacrifice, an intention to preserve, trust and fight for something or someone, and to give of oneself for something or someone.
Here is an assortment of synonyms for the word, COMMIT, to help expand the definition: give, dedicate, consecrate, devote, entrust, intrust, trust, confide, invest, put, place, practice, allocate, allot, apportion, authorize, charge, commend, commission, confer trust, confide, consign, convey, delegate, deliver, depend upon, deposit, depute, deputize, destine, dispatch, employ, empower, engage, give to do, grant authority, hand over, hold, intrust, leave to, make responsible for, move, offer, ordain, promise, put away, put in the hands of, relegate, rely upon, remove, send, shift, submit, transfer, turn over to, vest
If I am committing to stay in St. Louis and to making Memorial PCA my permanent church home, then it will require me to give myself to these places and the people in them, to stay even when things are difficult and to see the people/places through so that there will be restoration.
I think of this in terms of sewing. Not committing is like sitting down to sew a purse, for example. When I get bored or have an idea for another project or the sewing becomes difficult, I could stop and leave the project unfinished. Maybe I will start another one and stop midway through that one, until I have a whole pile of unfinished purses. I am left with no purse to use, nothing to really show for the energy I expended in pursuing all these different projects. It would leave me with a sense of failure and I would feel unfulfilled, unhappy and purposeless.
On the flip side, what if I not only committed to finish sewing the first purse so that I could have one to use or give to a friend-something beautiful and useful- but finishing the project gave me the idea to make more purses and to sell them!? Then if I had the goal in mind to finish ten purses in a month and then find a local store that would sell them, not only would the commitment give me something to focus my God-given energies into, but I would have purpose every day, feel accomplished as I looked at the growing pile of finished work and then see the fruit of my labor by selling them and making a profit.
Our commitments to God, people and places do not necesarily have "profits" in the economical sense, but they do in terms of purpose, joy, healing, abundant life and expanding the Kingdom of God.
The struggle I have, that I think most people may have, is that we are afraid to commit because it means letting go of our desire for self-preservation. We see committing to something as potentially too painful (we think happiness is in comfort) and that we will be stuck (we think this will limit our "freedom"). But in reality, if I look at how the world operates and the result of commitment in my life and in other's lives, then I have to admit that commitment has probably brought me the most happiness and true freedom I have ever experienced. Committing to a place, church, people and God brings purpose, determination and strength that leads to greater and more lasting...happiness.
There were two times in Tucson when I seriously considered ending my own life. I will describe one here in order to illustrate the necessity of committing to something or someone:
In 2006, after six months of constant and intense spiritual warfare, a pastor's behavior and ungodly decisions leaving our congregation broken and bleeding-(I was working as secretary and saw and felt a large part of the effects of his sin; the church eventually disbanded completely), my grandfather died, I was in a car accident, my landord's wife died, my parent's house flooded, I moved twice, I was living off of $800/month and worked 50-60 hours/week (do the math), horrible things were happening in the lives of all the church staff on top of the pastor lying behind our backs, accusing us and undermining any work he told us to accomplish, then we lost our jobs because the church ran out of money. By the end of October, 2006, I was raw and hopeless. One day, I got in my still crumpled car with the intention of never returning, either to get lost in the world or drive into a telephone pole. On my way out of the city, I was reminded deep in the recesses of my soul that I had a God in whom I should be placing my trust even, or especially, in this moment. With the last amount of strength I had, I cried out to him to intervene in my life. He led me to a horse show where I pet and cried to the horses all day, then left in the evening with a new vision to go back to school to finish my degree and study horses. If it wasn't for the fact that I had committed my life to the Lord, I would not have chosen to live.
God's commitment, or covenant, or promise to be with and guide me and my commitment to follow him even when it was hard, literally brought life.
Relationships are often difficult. I have always been close to my mom, but in Tucson, she was working a stressful, soul-sucking job that left her constantly weary and depressed for the three years she worked there. It came to the point that she no longer even tried to pick up a paintbrush to work on her art, didn't engage in conversation with the rest of the family and would just come home at the end of the day and watch TV until she went to bed. Through it all, I was frustrated and hurt that she seemed to give up on all of her relationships and I felt like I didn't even know my own mother anymore. I could have abandoned her completely and disassociated from the family so that I wouldn't be hurt by her isolation, but as her daughter and sister in Christ, I was determined to love her through it and pray for her. The Lord eventually brought healing to her life and to our relationship. What if I had broken my commitment to loving my mom? The damage to both of us would have been greater and maybe it would never have been repaired.
There were a number of times when I have said hurtful things to my best friend, Hilary. She always chided me and we worked towards healing and forgiveness, but what if she wasn't committed to making our relationship continue on a healthy path? We would have allowed bitterness and anger build up or just given up on each other and gone our separate ways. Then neither of us would recognize the sin in our lives and pursue healing and neither of us would have the utter happiness and pleasure of having each other in our lives.
The week after I considered these thoughts, I found this quote that aptly described this idea: Read here
I want to add another idea, echoing a phrase I heard in a sermon recently, that it is also not how much we commit to something, but to WHAT were are committing that makes the difference. You can commit your life to serving yourself or Satan, or commit to an abusive relationship, a place that does not quite feel like "home" or a church that does not hold Christ as Lord in everything they do....
Considering those cases, it is a good reminder to consider to WHAT you are committing and be sure it is something that is worth giving your life for. Proverbs 20:25 says, "It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one’s vows." Therefore, carefully consider your commitments, but then enter into them with determination, faith, and joy!
All throughout scripture, God makes it clear that life is rife with pain and sorrow and He doesn't even pretend to convince us otherwise. "In this world you will have trouble..." One has only to look into the relationships and circumstances in the lives of people in one's circle and know this is true. I know well from my own life that nothing and no one is perfect. I sin constantly and despair is like an old friend. As I write this, I fully expect to have days when St. Louis aggravates me, or to come into conflict with a friend eventually, or to walk through painful things with the people in my church. I know fully well that nothing, not marriage, a job, home, or purpose, quarantines me from the utter pain and sorrow that life can serve in abundance. But at the same time, I know that pain is not the full measure of our lives.
If I look at my life, the sum total of it, relationships, church, places and all, has been filled with beauty and joy! I venture to say that the pain in life is so shocking just because it was not meant to exist, but also because it does not even come close to pervading every moment of our days.
Like Chuck Colson states in the quote above, commitment offers us a means to happiness. It is counterinutitive to our "self focused" and "free" society, but like he mentions, it is aligned with the paradox of the Christian life. We commit to living our lives for Christ and he gives us life in abundance. And Jesus doesn't even leave us defenseless in the midst of our commitment to following him into our homes, life, marriages and churches. Jesus says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) He is the one who offers peace, courage and victory, even amidst the hardships we face.
So, then, BE HAPPY (Romans 15:13)!!! Commit.. and take God at his word! Through our commitments we will find peace, love, strength and...happiness. Enter in, assuming there will always be difficulties, but be unafraid and undeterred. Life is hard with or without commitment, but according to God's promises, he makes our sorrows lighter, offers greater healing, deeper and more abundant joys and a more lasting purpose when we commit.
*I didn't differentiate between "joy" and "happiness" because the arguments about which word is more spiritual or circumstantial just annoy me, so assume the terms are one in the same throughout this piece
I felt so happy! Generally, I am a happy person, but the happiness that flooded over my heart was one that I hadn't felt in a while. It was a deep, contented happiness, that made me not only appreciate the scene before me, but look forward to the future.
The scenery and my thoughts lead me to ponder *"happiness." The day before, I had heard a man on the radio tell a woman whose husband wanted to divorce her, "God did not create marriage to make us happy- He made it to make us holy." While I understood perfectly that he was challenging the belief that marriage was never going to be perfect and that instead, God is more concerned with making us more like him, his cliche response grated my soul. My first thought was, "Why can't it be possible that he meant us to be both holy and happy?" and then, "His answer seems to insinuate that there is no happiness in holiness."
Americans are especially concerned with happiness. It is stipulated in our country's ideals that we are to have the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
But what is happiness? Where does it come from? How can we find it? Christians and non-Christians alike seem confused on this account. Normally, we default to the idea that happiness comes from our ability to do whatever we want, to follow our own desires and to be free from responsibility, but there are countless of examples around us every day that prove this is not true.
I stopped walking and looked at the clouds again. I realized in that moment that the happiness I felt this day was related to the fact that, not only did I love St. Louis and not only was I truly happy, as in cheerful, in my present state, but I was deeply happy because for the first time in my life I was in a place where I had determined to STAY.
Suddenly, I was smiling widely as I continued following Winston down the park path. It dawned on me that it was because I had committed to trusting God and following him even through the valleys, that I was able to have a measure of happiness and hope even through my darkest times. It was my commitment to loving my friends and family that allowed us to walk through our disagreements and failures.
It is the idea of committing my life to loving, serving and supporting a husband that made me excited about marriage. The radio man's comment about holiness vs happiness in marriage bothered me because we have the opportunity to be both happy AND holy in marriage. Commitment to God and a spouse brings the attention off of ourselves and fuels our desire to persevere when things are difficult, to heal when our sin would rather hurt, to give us a sense of purpose, fulfillment and gladness in truly loving the other person.
In order to understand what commitment entails, read the many definitions of the word, COMMIT:
to give in trust or charge; consign.
to consign for preservation
to pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one's intention, feeling, etc.)
to bind or obligate, as by pledge or assurance; pledge: to commit oneself to a promise; to be committed to a course of action.
to entrust, esp. for safekeeping; commend
to do; perform;
to consign to custody
to deliver for treatment, disposal, etc.; relegate
to send into a battle
Parliamentary Procedure . to refer (a bill or the like) to a committee for consideration.
–verb (used without object)
to pledge or engage oneself
In these definitions alone, I can say that to commit requires sacrifice, an intention to preserve, trust and fight for something or someone, and to give of oneself for something or someone.
Here is an assortment of synonyms for the word, COMMIT, to help expand the definition: give, dedicate, consecrate, devote, entrust, intrust, trust, confide, invest, put, place, practice, allocate, allot, apportion, authorize, charge, commend, commission, confer trust, confide, consign, convey, delegate, deliver, depend upon, deposit, depute, deputize, destine, dispatch, employ, empower, engage, give to do, grant authority, hand over, hold, intrust, leave to, make responsible for, move, offer, ordain, promise, put away, put in the hands of, relegate, rely upon, remove, send, shift, submit, transfer, turn over to, vest
If I am committing to stay in St. Louis and to making Memorial PCA my permanent church home, then it will require me to give myself to these places and the people in them, to stay even when things are difficult and to see the people/places through so that there will be restoration.
I think of this in terms of sewing. Not committing is like sitting down to sew a purse, for example. When I get bored or have an idea for another project or the sewing becomes difficult, I could stop and leave the project unfinished. Maybe I will start another one and stop midway through that one, until I have a whole pile of unfinished purses. I am left with no purse to use, nothing to really show for the energy I expended in pursuing all these different projects. It would leave me with a sense of failure and I would feel unfulfilled, unhappy and purposeless.
On the flip side, what if I not only committed to finish sewing the first purse so that I could have one to use or give to a friend-something beautiful and useful- but finishing the project gave me the idea to make more purses and to sell them!? Then if I had the goal in mind to finish ten purses in a month and then find a local store that would sell them, not only would the commitment give me something to focus my God-given energies into, but I would have purpose every day, feel accomplished as I looked at the growing pile of finished work and then see the fruit of my labor by selling them and making a profit.
Our commitments to God, people and places do not necesarily have "profits" in the economical sense, but they do in terms of purpose, joy, healing, abundant life and expanding the Kingdom of God.
The struggle I have, that I think most people may have, is that we are afraid to commit because it means letting go of our desire for self-preservation. We see committing to something as potentially too painful (we think happiness is in comfort) and that we will be stuck (we think this will limit our "freedom"). But in reality, if I look at how the world operates and the result of commitment in my life and in other's lives, then I have to admit that commitment has probably brought me the most happiness and true freedom I have ever experienced. Committing to a place, church, people and God brings purpose, determination and strength that leads to greater and more lasting...happiness.
There were two times in Tucson when I seriously considered ending my own life. I will describe one here in order to illustrate the necessity of committing to something or someone:
In 2006, after six months of constant and intense spiritual warfare, a pastor's behavior and ungodly decisions leaving our congregation broken and bleeding-(I was working as secretary and saw and felt a large part of the effects of his sin; the church eventually disbanded completely), my grandfather died, I was in a car accident, my landord's wife died, my parent's house flooded, I moved twice, I was living off of $800/month and worked 50-60 hours/week (do the math), horrible things were happening in the lives of all the church staff on top of the pastor lying behind our backs, accusing us and undermining any work he told us to accomplish, then we lost our jobs because the church ran out of money. By the end of October, 2006, I was raw and hopeless. One day, I got in my still crumpled car with the intention of never returning, either to get lost in the world or drive into a telephone pole. On my way out of the city, I was reminded deep in the recesses of my soul that I had a God in whom I should be placing my trust even, or especially, in this moment. With the last amount of strength I had, I cried out to him to intervene in my life. He led me to a horse show where I pet and cried to the horses all day, then left in the evening with a new vision to go back to school to finish my degree and study horses. If it wasn't for the fact that I had committed my life to the Lord, I would not have chosen to live.
God's commitment, or covenant, or promise to be with and guide me and my commitment to follow him even when it was hard, literally brought life.
Relationships are often difficult. I have always been close to my mom, but in Tucson, she was working a stressful, soul-sucking job that left her constantly weary and depressed for the three years she worked there. It came to the point that she no longer even tried to pick up a paintbrush to work on her art, didn't engage in conversation with the rest of the family and would just come home at the end of the day and watch TV until she went to bed. Through it all, I was frustrated and hurt that she seemed to give up on all of her relationships and I felt like I didn't even know my own mother anymore. I could have abandoned her completely and disassociated from the family so that I wouldn't be hurt by her isolation, but as her daughter and sister in Christ, I was determined to love her through it and pray for her. The Lord eventually brought healing to her life and to our relationship. What if I had broken my commitment to loving my mom? The damage to both of us would have been greater and maybe it would never have been repaired.
There were a number of times when I have said hurtful things to my best friend, Hilary. She always chided me and we worked towards healing and forgiveness, but what if she wasn't committed to making our relationship continue on a healthy path? We would have allowed bitterness and anger build up or just given up on each other and gone our separate ways. Then neither of us would recognize the sin in our lives and pursue healing and neither of us would have the utter happiness and pleasure of having each other in our lives.
The week after I considered these thoughts, I found this quote that aptly described this idea: Read here
I want to add another idea, echoing a phrase I heard in a sermon recently, that it is also not how much we commit to something, but to WHAT were are committing that makes the difference. You can commit your life to serving yourself or Satan, or commit to an abusive relationship, a place that does not quite feel like "home" or a church that does not hold Christ as Lord in everything they do....
Considering those cases, it is a good reminder to consider to WHAT you are committing and be sure it is something that is worth giving your life for. Proverbs 20:25 says, "It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one’s vows." Therefore, carefully consider your commitments, but then enter into them with determination, faith, and joy!
All throughout scripture, God makes it clear that life is rife with pain and sorrow and He doesn't even pretend to convince us otherwise. "In this world you will have trouble..." One has only to look into the relationships and circumstances in the lives of people in one's circle and know this is true. I know well from my own life that nothing and no one is perfect. I sin constantly and despair is like an old friend. As I write this, I fully expect to have days when St. Louis aggravates me, or to come into conflict with a friend eventually, or to walk through painful things with the people in my church. I know fully well that nothing, not marriage, a job, home, or purpose, quarantines me from the utter pain and sorrow that life can serve in abundance. But at the same time, I know that pain is not the full measure of our lives.
If I look at my life, the sum total of it, relationships, church, places and all, has been filled with beauty and joy! I venture to say that the pain in life is so shocking just because it was not meant to exist, but also because it does not even come close to pervading every moment of our days.
Like Chuck Colson states in the quote above, commitment offers us a means to happiness. It is counterinutitive to our "self focused" and "free" society, but like he mentions, it is aligned with the paradox of the Christian life. We commit to living our lives for Christ and he gives us life in abundance. And Jesus doesn't even leave us defenseless in the midst of our commitment to following him into our homes, life, marriages and churches. Jesus says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) He is the one who offers peace, courage and victory, even amidst the hardships we face.
So, then, BE HAPPY (Romans 15:13)!!! Commit.. and take God at his word! Through our commitments we will find peace, love, strength and...happiness. Enter in, assuming there will always be difficulties, but be unafraid and undeterred. Life is hard with or without commitment, but according to God's promises, he makes our sorrows lighter, offers greater healing, deeper and more abundant joys and a more lasting purpose when we commit.
*I didn't differentiate between "joy" and "happiness" because the arguments about which word is more spiritual or circumstantial just annoy me, so assume the terms are one in the same throughout this piece
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